Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Changes





People who know me for years probably won't believe what I'm about to write here. They know I'm prideful, vicious, selfish, inflexible and very - very - stubborn. I don't help a blind person cross the street unless I get something in return. If I'm unsatisfied I take it out in the world, blaming friends, family, cats, dogs and squirrels for my misfortunes then I just sit down and cry my eyes out and get depressed for weeks without really finding a practical way out.

I was like that the whole year of 2005 and the first few months of 2006, but then suddenly I decided it was time for a change. I've done many things and I'm going to write about all of them.

To start I'm getting back to 2005, I read my diary to make sure I was really that dumb and remember exactly what my worries were. First, I just studied and worked in college during the night (in the end that 'job' was proved useless, but that's another story.) and I was always complaining how tired I was and how much I hated to go home late and have to share the computer with my sister (who is as selfish as I am).

I worked a lot for my grades that year and that was the only thing that really gave me satisfaction. I went to college, had classes and quickly returned home before my sister got the computer first. Most times that rush meant refusing several invites for a cool lunch somewhere or even a few minutes to spare a chat with my classmates. Because of that I don't know half of them as well as I was supposed to. Anyway, after getting home and spending my time in the computer I'd sit down on my bed and read all texts and books I had, either for a class or for fun.

Of course that routine tired me down a lot. I was always stressed, quarreling with my sister and yearning for something different to happen. Anything. My hopes for changes were higher in the weekends, but since I haven't established a true strong friendship for years I found myself without a friend to go out with, which meant I had to go with my mother and my sister, which made me furious, obviously.

Then I had this great idea: if my sister bothers me that much, I can always stop talking to her. And so it has been to this day. I felt relieved, but not completely because I still had to share the computer with her, so we quarreled without words, shooting hate glances to each other.

Other than that emotional side, I realized I was getting really fat. Nothing too dangerous, but it was enough for me to want to hide even more under baggy skirts and loose jeans. I did hate looking in the mirrors. Maybe I was a little overweighed for my size, but even if it was a self-image distortion it bothered me a lot. So I got rid of my bikinis and small skirts and low cut shirts and was sure I was never going to wear those again because... 'that's not me, I wasn't born to a top model so to the hell with all of it.' I really wanted to be happy the way I was, without caring about something as superficial as appearance.

That was when I last posted here before starting the trip journal, all depressed.

Then in 2006 I had enough of it. It wasn't a sudden change of mind, I just fell ill with depression. Really. I spent ten days locked in my room, crying and only going out to grab some food, not making eye contact with anybody and finally my dad decided to do something about it and took me to a psychiatrist.

I think I took one of those weird medicines for about a month, but it only made me feel nauseous and then I decided that my problems weren't the medical type so I started going to a therapist. That didn't help much at first, but eventually I've noticed some good changes and the sessions were really light so I didn't have trouble enjoying being there and having those awkward chats.

Let's just say that through the sessions I've told the therapist all my depression problems and mood swings and how much my family disturbed me (my stupid sister!!!) and how much I hated it when my parents accepted my widow grandmother living with us. The fact that my grandma lives here still bothers me; she's really an outsider here and her mere presence annoys me because it feels like my privacy was endangered becoming even harder to get. After all, my grandmother is a nosy woman! She spies through the window and tell my parents which time I leave and when I return home! How can I look for a change in my routine if everything is daily reported?

Anyway, I didn't solve my problems with the therapy, my grandma still lives here, I still don't talk to my sister (I'll return to this subject later) and I still sort of live in a routine, but I've become a little more tolerant towards the situations that oppress me. Instead of shutting myself in my room and wait for the others to go away, I shut the others outside the house. Somehow I stopped being bothered by every small detail.

To solve my problems with the rush of going home and to stop my daily fights with my sister, my mother gave me a computer and it was installed inside my room, with a printer, scanner and everything I'd need, so I didn't have to share it with my sister anymore. With that, I could stop talking and looking at her at all. It's been years since we shared a word other than accidentally answering the phone.

When I started ignoring her my mood swings and irritation became much better! I'm more cheerful and carefree now. It's amazing to realize how much she bothers me. When I started ignoring her everything just got better. I'm not even in a rush to go home and protect my territory.

The routine inside my house became bearable enough, but I still had to do something about my self-image; I found out I couldn't look in a mirror without breaking down in tears, thinking I was ugly, unsexy and fat. That was the hardest block to overcome. I really hated my looks, my hair was wild and there wasn't any clothes that fit me perfectly.

I was tired of complaining, thinking that it was something I had to accept and not just change. Well, it's a little expensive to change the appearance, but... why not try to change at least? Three months ago I decided: I'm going to lose weight. I had never started a serious diet before, but this time I faced it.

I already lost twenty pounds! I confess it's a little hard. I suffered a lot of abstinence in the first weeks. I became restless, walked around the house and had this huge urge to open the fridge in between meals. A couple of weeks later I got used to the diet and completely changed my habits for good. I spent weeks without a piece of chocolate at first, but now I can eat those, as long as I burn the fats fast.

Loosing weight was good, but not quick enough. I bought a treadmill and another gym equipment for the abs. I'm running every day for an hour and it made me feel a whole lot better to have something else to add to my routine.

Then, another change: I started taking birth control pills to regulate my circle and my skin suddenly got cleaner. I haven't had a pimple in months! Those really bothered me, but I had gone so many treatments and none of them worked that I had given up... and magically I was cured.

Since I felt like I could show off a bit more skin... I've done something I've always wanted, but was to coward to do... I gathered all my courage and got a tattoo! A butterfly, on my back. When I was getting it done I found out needles don't hurt that much and my needle phobia vanished. Maybe I just found out I'm a little masochist, but the pain I felt to get the tattoo was a little enjoyable.

My hair was the next step, I got it straight and had it cut in a stylist way. I'm in love with my hair now. I'm wearing it loose while before I just wore it in a ponytail.

Thinner, with a good hair and flawless skin, I went to the shopping mall and crazily bought everything that looked good on me. And guess what? Everything fit perfectly! I was a little reluctant to buy a bikini for a small trip to the beach, but when I tried it on I found out it didn't look as horrible as I thought it would.

I admit I got a little carried away with my last visits to the mall. I bought perfumes, lotions, dresses, skirts, shirts, purses and HIGH HEELS! I learned how to walk in those! I also took my chance to change panties to thongs, even if my mom gave me a weird look when she saw them.

My mom is enjoying this new side of me a lot, it even got us a little closer. I even gathered my courage and invited my friends over for my birthday. That's something my mom wanted to do since I entered college, but I never did because I live far away from everybody else and I didn't want to be disappointed if they didn't come. But they did and my parents were really happy about it.

I should have realized it before. I always liked those futile things, I always liked to dress up and feel pretty, but I didn't see that until very recently. I do think worrying only about the appearance is a ridiculous and brainless attitude, but being a nerd doesn't exactly mean being careless towards the body. Brain and appearance don't have to be rivals, at least not in me. I can carry both my intellectual and my girly side just fine like I'm doing now. This way I don't feel like a pretty empty shell.

So, after all, I came to the conclution that I was bitter about my looks and tried to deny it. Since I have a huge pride with my decisions and theories it was a little hard to notice and fix it. For the moment I'm very content to feel beautiful for the first time since I left childhood. There was one of the things missing all this time.

Along with feeling good about myself I started going out more often. If my friends are busy I just take my car and go to the movies by myself, but of course this year I've been going out more than ever. I have at least one party invite each two weeks, which is very busy if considered I've only had two nights out before last January.

I'm feeling good, people actually look at me! It's a satisfaction I never had before. I found out I enjoy the attention other than being offended by it.

This social side made me add the practical side with my theories. I have this feminist and liberalism philosophy. I think girls should go out and do whatever they want, without depending on parents, boyfriends or any kind of male chaperone. I didn't go out before so I just had the idea of how it worked on my mind, but now I see how it is for real... and I feel that my philosophies are entirely right. To my liberalism side I confess I had to go a little further and try booze and drugs. People should try everything and decide later if that's what they want or not. You have to know how it is like before making a decision. I saw it and made my decision already.
My career upgraded a little too. I graduated in college. Now I'm a filmmaker! I'm directing my first short animation film, but I worked also as Art Director and Production Assistant in another two films this year, which adds three movies in a year time.

I had a cultural progress too. I've always wanted to go to a Cirque du Soleil presentation and I finally could this year. I went on the top VIP, Taps Rouge. That was fantastic. The best experience I had in a long time.

I confess I didn't read much this year. A total of eight books while last year I read fifty. I went for three trips, though (I'm going to the third a few days) and met new people there. I also wrote a lot of stories and started an animation course, which is brilliant!!! My Italian course is ending as well, I'm in the conversation level now.

To make it simpler I'll make a list of what I've done:

- 9 fanfics
- 2 scripts
- 1 tale
- 1 poetry
- 12 illustrations
- Got in the Animation Course
- Getting along with my parents
- Directed a short film
- Art Directed another short film
- Helped with the production of another short film
- Read eight books
- Got closer to my friends
- Started therapy
- Lost 20 pounds
- Started exercising
- Started going out
- Got a computer
- Got a tattoo
- Grew over my fear of needles.
- Cirque du Soleil
- Birthday Party
- Learned how to wear makeup
- Went to Monte Sião
- Went to Paraibuna
- Went to Gramado
- Went to Florianópolis
- Clean skin
- 5 family reunions.
- Started drinking socially.
- Watched 75 movies
- Kissed a lot!

If compared to 2005:

- Went to Italy
- Read 50 books
- Wrote 3 fanfics
- Wrote 2 Scripts
- 1 night out.
- 3 family reunions.
- Bee Gees Show

Yep, I've improved a lot...

Anyway, to finish my update with another list I'll write down here my New Year resolution:

- Fix my teeth.
- Finish my book
- Start another book
- Write 3 scripts.
- Start working.
- Either start another college or get my Master of Fine Arts degree.
- Read more than 20 books.
- Send my film to Movie Festivals.
- Subscribe my script for Cultural Sponsorship.


Merry Christmas everyone and have a great New Year!

1 comment:

AmOrTeNTiA said...

wow........nice blog....so gud to c u overcame all ur once upon a time fears......very motivating blog....!!