You all know what a Petit Gateau is; a frozen and hot dessert that mixes ice cream and cake in a unique dish that makes you enjoy both cold and warm at the same time. That's my favorite dessert; it has been for years since I tried it for the first time.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me I was sort of like a Petit Gateau, teasing me. I didn't understand it at first, but we changed the subject and I didn't remember to ask him later what he meant.
Well, I undestood by myself yesterday. I was here at home having a horrible crisis of anxiety when I just decided to turn the stupid lights off, light a candle and dance in the dark. While I was dancing I saw something I've unconsciously done. I hang two frames of the same size right next to each other. In the first one there's this illustration by Jayme Cortez, two creatures fighting with their claws and teeth. In the other frame is the famous scene of the movie La Dolce Vita, by Fellini; it's Sylvia and Marcelo's kiss, their lips barely touching.
Agression and tenderness. That's when I realized what he had meant by cold and warm.
I fight with claws and teeth a simple gesture like when someone touch my cheek; I hate that so much, but at the same time I find myself longing for a gentle touch. I am a cold person who hates silly flirting, but at the same time I melt like butter which a simple glance.
It's not exactly something I can control and I'm not denying what I trutly want by confinding myself in this frozen and agressive shell like some psycotherapists out there may think. I know that I hate everything that makes me vulnerable to someone else, but at the same time I'm begging to have my emotions stripped naked to that same someone.
I know it sounds absurd and complex, but that's part of my personality and I didn't even know I had it in me a few hours ago. I've learned more about myself with a silly joke about my favorite dessert and I think right now that I've realized what I've always unconsciouly done I can understand and control it better so I won't pull people away.
It won't be easy to control this, but I'll try. I need to get the black and white and fade them in shades of gray. After all it's easier to eat a Petit Gateau when you mix it together. The ice cream freeze your teeth and the hot cake burns your tongue, but when you mix them everything gets warm and you can savour the taste.