Monday, May 16, 2011

Trust Issues

And so it starts. During my last therapy section I finally had to come face to face with my emotional and affection issues. I know it's a big deal because it's mostly a taboo to me, I don't even think about it.

When my therapist mentioned the subject I brain went blank. I didn't know how to explain why I never considered being emotionally attached to anybody (or someone who's not my parents.)

The fact that I'm writing it in another language shows how vulnerable I am to the subject. I don't want a couple of people to know about my struggle.

How do I feel about it? I don't know. It's like a vortex of information, scenes of a happy family and screams and the feeling of helplessness. There is something that comes to my mind: my freedom. That's something I would never jeopardize, not for my parents, not for a friend nor anybody.

It's a fact that I don't like to make mistakes. I don't like to fail and since I don't believe in love I don't see any relationship going anywhere but downhill with that principle, so why start anyway? But, like my therapist said, do I find it easier to justify being alone than trying to be with someone? Just to know how it's like?

Yes, justifying is easier, but I'll never know what lies beneath the surface if I don't even try it. Hell, I even tried drugs so I could criticize it from experience. Why is it so difficult to try having an actual relationship?

And my answer pops up like a coke commercial on hulu: I don't know how to trust someone with my vulnerable side. I'm a rock at all times. I don't put down my guard. I don't want to get emotionally attached to someone just to find this person becoming someone I don't want to be with. That would mean I failed my choice. Do you remember the beginning of this text? I don't like to fail.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of most of all: to find someone, to trust this person, to give my time and effort into a relationship that could miserably fail and worse: to find that it's all my fault and having to way to justify it.

To be Continued…

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