There are some things I just don't know how to deal with. Growing up is the biggest of them. How do you know when you're ready to walk on your own? The ghost fear of falling is ever present and consumes most of my way, making me see rocks and thorns and usually would go unnoticed.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a swirl. I'm letting myself to feel dizzy and lost between what I want and what I need. I think I'm into something big, like a fork where I cannot advance until I can make a decision. I love art and I'm in such bureaucratic job… I like my job because it's convenient and I'm learning things I wouldn't see in college, but it's so dirty and so political… everything I do or say goes beyond the walls. I feel like I'm constantly tested so they will know my limits. I'm an extremely easy going person and I think my communicative and straight-forward in everything I do, but… I realized people with power just don't like to hear anything other than their own voices.
In moments like this I question things like… am I doing the right thing? Am I ever going to be happy working with something so distant from art? I cowardly stepped back from art thinking I wasn't good enough to support myself with it, but now I think I'm not strong enough to work with something that is so distant to my dreams.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow and regret working in something that doesn't make me happy, but I'm also afraid to realize I'm not good enough to do what I want to do.
This is the freaking choice: do I try going back to filmmaking or illustration and jeopardizing my regular paycheck or do I swallow my pride and continue being just an ordinary and dispensable pawn with a paycheck?
When the time to make this decision arrives I think it's going to be so groundbreaking that I won't even see it coming.
The truth is I'm afraid. Very afraid. I wish someone would make this decision for me so I could blame them later if nothing works out.