Wednesday, July 13, 2011

More Whinings about Life

There are some things I just don't know how to deal with. Growing up is the biggest of them. How do you know when you're ready to walk on your own? The ghost fear of falling is ever present and consumes most of my way, making me see rocks and thorns and usually would go unnoticed.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a swirl. I'm letting myself to feel dizzy and lost between what I want and what I need. I think I'm into something big, like a fork where I cannot advance until I can make a decision. I love art and I'm in such bureaucratic job…  I like my job because it's convenient and I'm learning things I wouldn't see in college, but it's so dirty and so political… everything I do or say goes beyond the walls. I feel like I'm constantly tested so they will know my limits. I'm an extremely easy going person and I think my communicative and straight-forward in everything I do, but… I realized people with power just don't like to hear anything other than their own voices.

In moments like this I question things like… am I doing the right thing? Am I ever going to be happy working with something so distant from art? I cowardly stepped back from art thinking I wasn't good enough to support myself with it, but now I think I'm not strong enough to work with something that is so distant to my dreams.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow and regret working in something that doesn't make me happy, but I'm also afraid to realize I'm not good enough to do what I want to do.

This is the freaking choice: do I try going back to filmmaking or illustration and jeopardizing my regular paycheck or do I swallow my pride and continue being just an ordinary and dispensable pawn with a paycheck?

When the time to make this decision arrives I think it's going to be so groundbreaking that I won't even see it coming.

The truth is I'm afraid. Very afraid. I wish someone would make this decision for me so I could blame them later if nothing works out.

5 comments:

Louco said...

Why don't you do both? Keep being a pawn for now, to keep your paycheck coming, and at the same time keep on your projects on filmmaking/illustration. If you can find anything there worth it, go and try it. If they pay you back enough, even better. If not, you could always leave your job...

No, I'm not saying it's the best solution, but it's better than the alternative; keeping on indecisive for years until one day, you'll wake up one morning, see that life has gone and you still haven't decided.

And, for cripes sake, shuddap about blaming people, you moron! ^^ Brace it yourself, screaming something like 'Babylon, I'm coming, ready for the fray!', and dive head on! If it goes all wrong, well, you can always start fresh, with some more experience on what to do and not to do.

Anything is better than indecision. That really kills... and sucks.

See ya, sis! Otouto loves you ^^

Louco said...

Antes tarde que nunca, coisinha ^^

Otouto levou um tempo pra terminar, mas tá lá. Ei, e nossos files já tem oitocentos k, dá um tempo; o meu 'Conto', lá, é pouca coisa maior que isso! Já passamos da marca de cem linhas! Claro que leva tempo ^^

Bjon, nee-chan. Otouto tá dando uma ripa no próximo capítulo, pra ter algo novo pra te mandar na próxima.

Vivi said...

Ha!, otouto, peguei o email! Pretendo começar a responder só semana que vem. Preciso terminar minha pesquisa e o capítulo 10 antes de te mandar... e é bom que eu enrole um pouco, né? Voê ficou 2 meses com o email O_O

Louco said...

Hahahahahaha, nada mais justo, nee-chan ^^

Como vc mesma disse várias vezes durante o e-mail, eu sei como é não ter tempo. Do take your time, child! Aproveito e agilizo com meu próprio capítulo por aqui ~_^

Bjon!

Louco said...

Voltei!!! Digo, voltei ao blog tbm!!!!

Tava com essa idéia legal e achei que era mais que hora de reviver a writer's house. Esteja a vontade pra visitar, e divulgar, nee-chan, que acho que dessa vez não sumo mais!!

Bjon do otouto!