Sunday, October 23, 2011

About Parents

I changed jobs; I love every minute of my new work. I’m barely seeing people at home and I’m barely sitting down in front of my computer. This is so strange. I thought I’d go crazy if I spent a day away from the Internet and suddenly… I’m feeling crazy if I stay home too long.

That’s pretty much the premise I’ve been discussing in my therapy. I’m giving up on my life at home. I’m not counting on my parents for anything anymore. I’m just going and doing it.
Is it what ‘go with the flow’ means? I’m feeling like I’m breaking free of a prison I didn’t know I was living in. They may judge every corner I turn, but I won’t stop turning it just because they wrinkled their nose in disapproval.

I hate saying it, but I just realized their not the best parents in the world. While my dad is so alienated with church he can’t barely keep a subject without avoiding the word of his god (pushing away our best friends- of years - of different religions) and all the depressed talk that one day his god will give him money again…; my mom will just nod and try to play the good submissive wife that never disagrees with him fearing she’ll end up a divorced old woman.

I used to ask opinions and do as they said, but their answers were always ‘don’t do this.’ ‘Don’t go out today,’ ‘you’re not good enough’ ‘I hate that dress, change it.’ ‘You’re not a good driver.’ So much negativism! I’m never good enough, I’m never courageous enough, I’m way too feminist, I’m way too skinny, I’m way too fat, I’m so insane because I go to therapy!

You know what? I’ve never been happier and I realized it’s because I’m away from them. They may not be the complete cause of my depression and low self-esteem, but they certainly aren’t part of my treatment.